Neve Campbell, Amish Detective

If the Hallmark Channel is where stars go to die, then the Lifetime Network would have to be the cable line-up equivalent of hospice. And don’t try and throw the “popularity” of Army Wives into my face — the truth is that, much like the actual war, shockingly few realize it’s still going on.

They can still trap a falling star from time to time, though, and it would seem that all the trauma heaped upon her by Ghostface of the Scream franchise has finally, and utterly, broke Neve Campbell.

Three words written on Lifetime letterhead spell her pending demise: “Amish crime drama”. According to Deadline, Neve has signed a deal with the network to not only star in, but co-executive produce the two-hour original movie, Sworn to Silence. Here’s the gist: a former Amish girl (Campbell) moves back to her childhood farming community to assume the role of chief of police. She left years earlier after a series of brutal murders shook her faith and forced her out into the real world, but upon her return, a new rash of violent crime triggers memories of childhood trauma and threatens to expose some kind of dark secret that “could destroy her.” I’m anticipating it has something to do with her maybe sneaking electricity as a child.

The good news is that the people at Lifetime are so optimistic that this is going to be a hit that they have built a potential series into the plot. How much material you can glean from a people that have stripped everything but basket weaving, growing beards, and cheese out of their lives remains to be seen.

How it’s come to this for the former wild thing, Mennonite God only knows. But it seems a safe bet that if she does crawl off this deathbed made of hay, all of her future reservations will be made for a sad little party of one.

Editors Note: If you think this was offensive to the Amish, have them email me.  

Written by Angela Wagner (@angelamwagner)

Angela hesitates to call herself a writer, fearing commitment of any kind. A graduate of a respected university, she refuses to name drop until offered compensation (loan forgiveness) for doing so. She has a preternatural fear of being mauled by sharks, even while inland. She blames Spielberg. More »